If you read this blog often, you are probably familiar with my health goals- lose weight, improve general fitness, feel better etc., etc. Well, I have been blogging for a little over a year and lately I’ve starting to feel like I need to kick things up a bit. I was looking into gym memberships and shopping around when I got a Living Social coupon for unlimited boot camp classes for $39.
Boot camp? Like Biggest Loser Jillian Michaels style? That sounds awesome! Right? I giddily snapped one up and scheduled an appointment. I see nothing wrong with this plan!
Your boot camp package begins with a nutritional/fitness consultation. Basically, you meet 1:1 with your trainer to get to know one another, discuss your fitness goals and establish an accurate baseline.
And then he breaks out the fat machine. I don’t know the technical name of the fat machine but it’s a hand held device you hold with both hands like an X-Box controller that calculates your body fat percentage. Let me tell you, seeing this number puts things in perspective. When you start thinking about what percentage of you is pure grizzle FAT, things get crazy and your world starts crumbling. You may know that I love a good graph so I whipped this one up to represent my results.
That’s right. I’m in whale territory (and, yes, I am wearing red heels)
Then my trainer took some more measurements as I wept silently to myself and I was cleared to begin and all set to attend my first boot camp class!
The Great Awful
A little later that evening myself and few other poor souls met in a dimly lit, unmarked studio for boot camp workout. Several of the other participants had already attended a class and knew what was in store. As we introduced ourselves and I told them this was my first time I was met with sad, empathetic glances that almost bordered pity. ‘Poor girl, she has no idea what is about to happen’ their eyes said. Soon we were summoned by our trainer to start what I would like to refer to as The Great Awful.
I have to be honest with you, the exact details of what happened next are a little fuzzy as the part of my brain that wants me to keep functioning is tirelessly working on suppressing all memories of this evening for my own survival (as it does for other horribly painful ordeals such as childbirth) but there are some things that cannot be forgotten. First up? The rollers. Rollers are little plastic disks that you place on your palms while holding a push up position. There is one goal: keep yourself still. This is extremely difficult because the plastic disks make the carpet beneath you as slippery as buttered ice. One girl didn’t make it 10 minutes. She sat on the floor with her head down complaining of nausea. I’m not sure she moved the rest of the session. I wondered if I was the only one who thought we should probably check to see if she was still alive.
The rest of us soldiered on with soulless, dead eyes resigned to our fate. When you are done with rollers, you do something called a starburst- squat, touch the ground, jump up throwing hands about your head. Repeat 4,589 times. If you are not vomiting, crying, screaming ‘mercy’ or something about the Geneva convention you can go on to do something called a smurf jack. It’s called this because you squat down closer to the ground which each jump so you get shorter and eventually you turn blue- like a smurf. My trainer excitedly announced that I was, in fact, turning blue. ‘Look!’ he gleefully exclaimed clapping his evil little hands. “Allison’s turning blue!‘ My first boot camp success.
An hour and 10 minutes later we were done. Every part of me hurt but not as much as it would hurt the next day. I gathered my things in a nauseous haze wondering if I had deeply rooted self hatred issues and how I would get back to my car without assistance when my trainer came up and told me I had done a really good job. What? Could there possibly be hope for me and my whale-like tendencies? As I smiled and thanked him and glanced around at the quietly moaning bodies like a scene from All Quiet on the Western Front, I couldn’t help but silently think- I’m going to be the best lil’ boot camper ever.
Quinoa Salad with Lemon-Tahini dressing
Because the last thing you want to do is eat a bunch of crap that cancels out The Great Awful.
This was inspired by Oh She Glows and all her pretty, yummy salads. It includes:
1 cup quinoa
1 green pepper
1 large tomato
1 ear of corn
Cook quinoa according to directions. Saute pepper and corn until tender. Add everything together, mix in lemon-tahini sauce. Serve with kale chips.
1/4 cup lemon juice
1/4 cup tahini
1-2 cloves garlic
salt and pepper
Place everything in a food processor until blended. Mix with salad.
Blending up the sauce.
Next boot camp: Friday 6:30 AM. Pray for me.